Why the 'Shoulds'—'Must, Got To, and Need To'—Ruin Our Motivation?

How the 'Shoulds' (MHS) - Must, Have to, Should, ruin our motivation.

How to motivate ourselves over time for real, sustainable change?

We all know this feeling. We know we must make a change, have to take action, need to get our act together. Whether it is proper nutrition, exercise, a career change, or simply stopping procrastinating—the words 'must,' 'have to,' and 'should' haunt us. But do they really motivate us to act? Usually, the answer is no.

The 'Must,' 'Have to,' and 'Should' Trap

The motivation that comes from 'must' or 'should' is extrinsic motivation. We act out of pressure, guilt, shame, or fear of negative consequences. This is a strong motivator in the short term, but it is not sustainable. When we act out of 'must,' we feel like we are submitting to an external demand, rather than acting out of internal desire. The result? Resistance and rebellion, procrastination, and ultimately—giving up on the desired change.

Imagine that you 'must' go to the gym. You drag yourself there, exercise half-heartedly, and as soon as the feeling of 'must' weakens, you find excuses not to go. On the other hand, if you want to be healthier, you will go to the gym out of free choice, enjoy the process, and persist over time.

The Transition to 'Want' - The Secret of Intrinsic Motivation

The transition from 'must' to 'want' is the key to deep and long-term intrinsic motivation. When you act from 'want,' you are truly connected to your goals. You understand the significance of the change for you, identify its benefits, and are ready to invest effort out of internal drive.

So How Do We Transition from 'Must' to 'Want'?

• Explore your 'why': ask yourself—why do I want to make this change? What will it give me? What benefits will it bring to my life? The clearer and stronger the 'why' is, the more the intrinsic motivation will increase.
• Focus on your values: does the proposed change align with the values important to you in life? If you value health, vitality, and independence, a change in diet or physical activity is likely to feel natural and desirable.
• Set small and achievable goals: big goals can be daunting. Break the big change down into smaller, easier-to-perform goals. Each small success will strengthen your motivation and prove to you that you are capable.
• Celebrate successes: don't wait for a dramatic change to celebrate. Every small step forward is a reason to celebrate. Recognizing your achievements reinforces your sense of capability and encourages you to continue.
• Be patient and compassionate with yourself: change takes time. There will be days when you feel a dip in motivation, and that is completely fine. Do not judge yourself harshly. Stand up, take a deep breath, and get back on track.

In summary, instead of forcing yourself with 'must,' 'have to,' and 'should,' look for the internal 'want.' When you find it, you will discover that the path to change is not only easier, but also satisfying and full of enjoyment. So next time you are considering making a change, ask yourself: do I have to, or do I want to? The answer can change everything.